Log in

No account? Create an account

It is offical

I will no longer date or have sex with anyone ever again!

I'm thinking

My community has turned into a gay male bashing palace; this was not my intentions! Since no one else is posting this is the meaning of glbt to me. I cannot sit in the secret garden quite.

3rd for some 4th for others

So today is my three year anniversary!!! YAY!!! I have not had sex in three years! WOW! Actually it has not been hard, well “it” has been hard but the process of not having sex has not been. I was never the one into the one night stand thing. Guys will say anything to get you in the sack. With that said I joined this gay sex site and was trying my dankest to find someone to have sex with and when I say find sex, I always have falling in love in mind. That was a flop; well I was down loading porn at the same time so there was no “flops” anywhere near me. Truly it is funny to see how fags act, adam4adam.com. People with azz and penises hanging out; these are guys that when I logged on 6 years ago are still there. I actually ran across this guy I had a date with for New Years Eve a couple years back. I can’t remember the year; however I do remember he was an azz to me afterwards. Yes we had sex and it was the best time. So I spoke with him and came up with this new idea of just having sex with him when I need it! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN......  Of course I made a huge mistake and thought I’d call the guy that I was dating couple months back and left him a message saying "I see your not on this dating site we met at, did you meet someone"? I was desperate! If and when he calls me back, I will congratulate him or make up some good excuse not to feel stupid. All I wanted him for was sex, I mean; I wanted to have no strings sex with him. This is all due to what I seen on this stupid web site. When I say all I wanted was sex but down deep I want love and that is the only thing on my heart and mind!!!  So with this guy I dated we trusted 2 pumps and of course he said I am became a drama king. When all in all I had more respect for myself not to be second on anyone list! I was finally not the one dumped! All this because I needed to feel somewhat better about myself. I do, I feel proud not to be in the fag class. I am finally my own man and will not take anyone or anything that treats me less. I feel better I am loaded up on some Heineken.

what to say, what to say

I look at face book and see all the people that never lived there lives falling into the same paths as I did......It is funny, sad and I cannot say anything about it. These are people that I spoke with years ago that really, truly; I am just a status to. I have always thought about killing myself over the stupid shit I have done and now I hope my liver holds out much longer; there is much more parting to do! The thing about life that I will never understand is why the.... would a god let his son die for the mistakes that he put us on this earth to commit..... So yes I believe in god but all I can say is thanks, thanks for putting me in a whole as we live....I am being sarcastic! O and I wonder if I roll up at the golden gate if I can ask god if I AM IN THE HOUSE!

a cry for the youth

I have always wondered if there is someone out there that feels the same way as you do.  From the time I could remember the only thing I wanted out of life was someone to "love" me. When all and all I got “love me” mixed up with “fix me”. I needed fixed and expected “love” and got taken advantage of. What do you think love is to be? Is love - life - sexual encounters, late drunk night with “friend”, drugs? I never had role models for the “gay” way of life? I wish there to be more than what is put beat into your heads from the “clubs” and “bars” of this life, please don’t sell yourself short.

I hate gay men.  I feel more and more hopeless about our community. 
Turn any corner int he ghetto and you can grab sex, but you have to search
high and low to find real love.  I hate how narcissistic we fags are, how
easily distracted from the hard tasks, how absurdly trivial in the face of
death.  I hate, above all, how we expend so much energy on attracting desire
and so little on taking care of anyone but our selves.  I don't believe that
lesbians, faced with the tragedy of AIDS, would have failed as we have failed.
That thought alone keeps me hopeful.
The AIDS crisis has been a part of us for more than a decade, the
half-life of our community, and is so all-powerful that if any of us survive,
we will spend the rest of our lives mourning and struggling to understand what
all the losses have meant.  Half of us--half of our lovers and friends and
fuck buddies and fantasy objects--are going to be dead by the year 2000.  I
hat the way that single fact has not yet transformed us into a real army of
lovers.  We just keep on sleepwalking through this holocaust, one year
organizing and making trouble, the next selling out and making careers, the
next turning our backs on it all, dancing and partying and fucking like crazy.
I hate the way we have no sense of the future, so hell-bent on pleasing our
selves.  I hate the way we pay so much attention to our bodies, grooming and
dressing and tattooing and sculpting and finally displaying them, like great
works of art, on the danc floor at the Roxy on Saturday night, or wherever,
when everyone is pinwheeling on Ecstasy.  I know how beautiful we all are, but
that peak moment is so fleeting, and it's not much to build a culture around. 
Still, we're determined to build that beautiful, empty culture.
I hate the way we have unsafe sex with each other in the night, but
when morning comes, we say nothing.  More and more, the rule seems to be, if
you don't come inside anyone  and if no one comes inside of you, that's safe. 
We're hopping on each others uncondomed dicks because it feels so good, and
because we're so eager to forget everyone who got sick that way, everyone who
can't walk up the stairs anymore because they have blue lesions growing in
their lungs, have lost their sight and their hearing and their sense of
balance and their memories--not to mention their sex drives--to one incurable
infection after another.  If we actually believe fucking without a condom is
safe sex, so long as there is no cum involved, then we should have the courage
of our convictions and make this belief public.  But we're much too cowardly
and ashamed of what we do in bed.
I hate the way we flock to have sex in backrooms and sex clubs, drunk,
on drugs, with little sense of who we are or who we are with, but when the
department of health or the cops of Channel 4 News threatens to pull the plug
on the party, we say nothing.  We can have all the anonymous sex we want, and
proclaim it all a great sexual liberation, but we can't talk about it in
public, even to each other.  We don't want our mothers to know what sex pigs
we are.  We don't even want our dyke friends to know how we treat each other
like pieces of meat, and love it.  We lie all the time about this to our
lovers, too.  We're so ashamed of ourselves that we can't even defend the
places where we go to make the great sexual revolution happen.  What heroes we
are!  What warriors!
I hate the way sex is always more important than love, the way we have
no respect for each other's relationships, the way everyman is a possible hit.
I hate the way everyone flirts with your lover if you have one, and you find
out who your friends are by learning who doesn't make a pass at him.  I'm sick
and tired of the terms of endearment among us ghetto dwellers, how we sleep
with someone for a few weeks or months, then move on to someone else, without
ever looking back.  Are we such objects for each other that one person can
be immediately replaced by another?
I hate the way we are not, as people, very much there for each other. 
All of this makes me feel hopeless.  I fear that we will never come to know
and love each other, or take care of each other, or fight for each other's
lives, or help each other to die, or create relationships that teach us
anything worth passing on to the next generation.  We aren't monsters, but our
humanity is in grave disorder.  All we really seem to care about is our
fantasies.  As half of us work out and jerk off in our gyms and our clubs,
crowd our backrooms and our sex clubs, the other half are getting sick, losing
the will to live, and becoming the absolute antithesis of our sexual
fantasies.  How unprepared we all are for falling in love with our own, with
our imperfections and infections.
I hate the way we have sold each other out as AIDS activists, with all
the well-educated and well-connected white fags making names for themselves,
serving on boards, attending meetings, writing articles, giving interviews,
becoming known, while women and IVDUs and children and people of color go
untreated and unrecognized.  Anyone who spent the last five years in AIDS
activism knows that if lesbians hadn's been there, we would never have paid
any attention to anyone but rich white fags.  And what have we gotten?  This
year we got the news that we can't reasonably expect an effective treatment
for AIDS for the next 25 years.  Are you ready to lose all the men you have
ever desired or fucked or fallin in love with or loved more than you love
yourself?  Are you ready to help them die?  Or are you ready to fight for
their lives?  For the next 25 years?

- Anon.

.               .                        J. T. Sandone
  .             .               Dickinson College HUB 1984
   .           .                            P. O. Box 4888
    .         .                   Carlisle, PA  17013-0928
     .       .                              (717)240-3273                  
      .     .              SANDONE@DICKINSN.BITNET
       .   .            SANDONE@DICKINSON.EDU
        . .
         .      "If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy
every closet door."--Harvey Milk

the music

It is amazing that we all listen to the same music, that have the same words and it means or feels different to everyone.

"Pride" Events


I have never wanted to go to a pride weekend event; the idea seems quite the scream for attention. The definitions are

1. A sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect.

2. Pleasure or satisfaction taken in an achievement, possession, or association: parental pride.

3. Arrogant or disdainful conduct or treatment; haughtiness.

4. a. A cause or source of pleasure or satisfaction; the best of a group or class: These soldiers were their country's pride.

    b. The most successful or thriving condition; prime: the pride of youth.

5. An excessively high opinion of oneself; conceit.

6. Mettle or spirit in horses.

7. A company of lions. See Synonyms at flock1.

8. A flamboyant or impressive group: a pride of acrobats.

tr.v. prid·ed, prid·ing, prides

To indulge (oneself) in a feeling of pleasure or satisfaction: I pride myself on this beautiful garden.

 I have actually come to the conclusion that everything we as humans do is for attention. Think about it... Everything that was just mentioned in the defining of oneself. My life has been one cry for attention; drag, stripping, drinking...ECT.. We find a place in life were we are at the most comfortable and try to stick with it. In my case I have become content on being loaded with prescription medicine and avoiding people at angles of life. Now I just sit back and watch everyone's cries; it is funny... 


face the anger

Life as I know it has always been a miserable existence for me. Here I sit the day off work and overwhelmed with rage. For the most part my medication usually has this under control but today, today is a different story. Did the whole dating thing the other day and my “don’t give a f attitude” was, as usual, perceived as I can be saved. Funny when someone says "I’m going to help you think, life is worth it" mother f'er please! I have been lying around all day, thinking about how much I really hate being here; it is one big circle of same boring crap.  I see the walls tumbling down and it makes me laugh.

answer to the question

is not "free" meaning no payment due....